So much has happened. We are three weeks from our wedding and I think we will make it through the summer without a divorce. I have been faced hard with being very self-centered and living in my own best interests. I started to realize this weekend that the only way I will grow through this is by giving up all of myself in a leap of faith. I know this kind of growth works; I've lived through it before, and if I let it happen, I will be happy beyond my imaginations. I haven't entirely made the choice yet because it's a scary one. I'm not ready to choose.
One path reflects all my hopes and dreams for my life. I wanted to be a full-time mama. I wanted to stay home and dote on my many many children, and I could see myself surrounded by other mamas who shared my love for our children. My life as a midwife, my dreams and ideals as a parent lay down this path. The other option is really clouded and looks very much like everything I've set myself against in life. I would spend the rest of my life as a working mother. I don't think I will have any more children. I'll basically sacrifice my ideals of motherhood to the life I appear to be building.
Last time I made this kind of a choice, I got Burgundy and the life I have now. I've been wildly blessed, and I've grown spiritually and intellectually beyond my expectations. I can cling to that in taking the leap of faith, but I'm not ready yet. I am not ready to give up on everything I thought I wanted to be. I know that God has been edging me toward this choice for a long time. Somehow I had hoped that I could keep edging until the choice got made for me. I do not want to hurt myself. I told
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
urskek last night that it's been useful to have someone else (Mark) to blame for this. Unfortunately, it's not good for the relationship. I am on the one hand very confused. Everything I know about families tells me that the right choice is for me, a mother, to be at home with my family. But everything I know about relationships tells me that I am seriously jeapordizing my relationship with Mark by choosing that. I try to hold on to the fact that we agreed very early in the relationship that when we had another child, I would be a stay at home mother. But I also know that at the rate we're going, Burgundy will be 15 by the time that happens, and I ALREADY don't want to start over. Mark graduated from college May 13. He got his BA in Biology: Congratulations, Mark! He's been looking for a job and has had one interview. We haven't heard anything yet, but it's been almost two weeks, so we're beginning to give up hope. It would have been a really great position for him I think. Mark is really good at just tuning out bullshit melodrama, and I think he could have made a real difference in this particular group. But two weeks with no word just doesn't bode well. On the upside, if we haven't gotten a rejection letter, there's hope yet.
I turned 30 May 22. Thirty. I can't make fart jokes anymore.
It's amazing how easy it is to fall right back into the writing and the whoring for attention and the wondering how many comments my first post in a couple of months will garner. Wondering if you guys wonder wear I am.
On the upside, Burgundy's dad and Carissa, his gf, came to visit us this week. His mother is divorcing his father, and she gave their dining room set to us. It's a very nice table, chairs and china hutch - beautiful. So they - JB's mom and her bf and JB and Carissa - all came over Wednesday with the furniture. I am so greatful for my family. I am greatful that I can call my ex-boyfriend, his gf and his mother my family. That we love each other and quarrel over real relationship things when we quarrel, not over what a rotten louse my babydaddy is or what a horrible bitch Carissa's boyfriendbabymomma is. I love - not a strong enough word - I relish the beauty of the fact that my husband was excited and proud to have my ex and his gf stay at the house. I love the fact that JB is coming back in a week and everyone agrees that it's the right thing to do. In this sense, life is so good that I know that whatever choices I make, I am going to be okay. Sacrifice makes growth. I know that choosing the frightening Way is the best way to go. I simply am not ready to make that choice yet.
The wedding is in three weeks - I know I've mentioned that already - and there's still a lot left to do. I need to write out the order of the ceremony - choreograph it, so to speak - get flowers, figure out whence shall materialize more money (there's never enough), try and get responses from people who aren't responding, send out a few more invitations, clarify odd responses I've received (eg, I invited man + wife + child one + child two; I received an RSVP for seven. SEVEN WHAT??)
Breathe.
There is a wedding shower this weekend, and there is another one the next weekend and another one the next week. Then there's the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. And
redhwolf has a shower and a bachelorette party in the meantime. All this with inner personal turmoil! That's like a quarter pounder with cheese AND a Dr. Pepper! That reminds me. I joined Weight Watchers. I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! It doesn't matter whether I should or shouldn't: I hate my body like this. It's not just about looks, either. It's about sweat under my breasts, bruises on my hips from the sides of chairs and thinking "HEAVE, ho" everytime I get out of the car. It's about bumping into things because I'm navigating a bigger ship than I think I am. I don't know how to be this big. I don't like it, and I'm doing something about it. Lost four pounds the first week. So there.
I watched Vanilla Sky. It blew chunks. blah blah blah. Lots of shock, little value.
I watched The Upside of Anger. THAT was a worthwhile movie. I watched it again and made Eric go with me. He liked it, too. I liked it better the second time than the first.
Eric gave me a copy of Team America for my birthday. That movie so. effing. rocks. Love it. More art than a lot of crap I've seen, more humor than most, good story. Just awesome.
For Christmas, he gave me Napoleon Dynamite. This is like the worst movie ever made.
Napoleon, like anyone could even know that. I was so disappointed when that movie left the dollar theater. It was Awesome. Incredible.
Other than that, we've watched kids' movies: Because of Winn Dixie and Ice Princess. Oh, and the Star Wars III/VI, depending on whether you go by the Star Wars chronology or the real world chronology. It was okay. I saw it twice, but I won't purchase it. I give it an "Eh." Like anybody give a "thbbppt" what I think about it.
I am looking forward to the next Harry Potter book with great enthusiasm. We've been reading the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy out loud to the family, and from there I think I'm going to find some Arthurian legends; Burgundy seems interested.
I got a good haircut about a month ago, and it's looking quite fetching now. I have just 1.5 more weeks until I get another one. Bought the dress. Egad. Say no more.
Wore makeup to work today, need to pee NOW. Later!
Current Mood: 
nervous
nervous